Synpaedia | Main / How To Wipe Your Ass

Dear Synergites, I speak as your Matriarch, having scrubbed the toilets of Synergy long before you were born. There are many good suggestions here, including the notion that men and women may use different techniques. I write to add something that may have a great deal of appeal : A BIDET ! Europeans, who in some ways are both more elegant and sustainable, use them regularly. You start with paper, as usual. However, if then results seem unsatisfactory, resist the temptation to use wads and wads of paper. Instead, use water and a cloth, and wash. Added benefits to BIDETS are that they can be used after sex, avoiding the time and resources of a whole shower. Blessings young synergites.

Gina Sanders Nelson 81-82

[syn] Dear third-floor girls Bradley Heinz <bbheinz@stanford.edu> Fri, May 12, 2006 at 4:04 PM To: Jon Sanders <jonsan@stanford.edu> Cc: Syn <synergy@lists.stanford.edu>

FOLD, DON'T WAD:

Hi Synners,

I don't like making waste. So when I am leaving my organic waste in the porcelain throne, I try to minimize the paper products added to the concentrated evil that my body expels every day. I use two or three squares of paper, I fold them so that they are the size of one square, and I wipe. Then, I fold it in half, and then I wipe. Then, I fold it in half again, and then I wipe again. You use very little, you get the same results.

"Ew! What if I get poopies on my hands?" You won't if you know your own anatomy. And if you do, whatever, you were going to wash your hands anyway, right? I fn hope so.

Also, OH MY GOD LET ME SHARE MY PET PEEVE. If you finish a roll of toilet paper, please dear god unwrap a new roll and replace it. It's annoying having to do it almost every time I go to the bathroom. WORSE YET, if you use the last roll, dear sweet Jesus go get me another one. I hate having to walk around all day without having wiped (JK). Then, recycle the cardboard tube, or use it to make an amusing snow man or periscope.

I love you,

Bradley

Chris Proctor <cproctor@stanford.edu> Fri, May 12, 2006 at 4:17 PM To: Syn <synergy@lists.stanford.edu> Now, I'm not saying there's a "right" way to do these things, but shitbegone.com is basically a user's manual for the stuff:

For best results, ShitBegone (as all toilet paper) should be used folded, not crumpled. Folding toilet paper instead of crumpling it makes it feel softer, and saves paper too. Here at ShitBegone, we don't mind if you use less toilet paper— in fact, we'd prefer it. Just as long as you use ShitBegone.

-Chris

Part journey of discovery, part assertion of responsibility, part embrace of life, ShitBegone expresses hope and belief that a better world is possible.

Unembossed— what's all that about?

That gets to the deeper philosophy behind ShitBegone. ShitBegone is truth in marketing. We sell unembossed paper because it's a better value. Our 100% recycled, unembossed paper is cheaper, easier, and more efficient to make— and just as good to use as even the most expensive, heavily marketed, 100% virgin fiber competitor.

(Who but a true asshole, would sell something that was made of 100% fresh ground up forests— more expensive than necessary— and engineered to encourage overuse? That's corporate America for you...)

Here's the key: instead of puffing ourselves up with air, ShitBegone is content to be soft where it counts— against your ass.

We reject the idea, which other companies have advertised for years, that toilet paper is only soft if the roll feels squishy in your hand. The truth is it doesn't matter a bit how soft the roll feels, since it's not the roll you will be wiping with!

Instead, you wipe with just a few sheets. Some people crumple them, but the better way is to fold them.

When you crumple toilet paper, just like if you crumpled a piece of writing paper, it gets sharp edges and corners. Why would you want sharp corners on your toilet paper? Like all paper, toilet paper feels smoothest when it is flat.

Folding, instead of crumpling, also helps you use far less paper— saving energy, resources and money.

If you are worried that folded paper will break or tear, just fold it over again to make more layers. With ShitBegone, I usually tear off 3 or 4 sheets, and fold them over twice for a total of 4 sheets (8 plys) thick. But even if you tear off 6 or 8 sheets at a time, and make a pad 24 layers thick to wipe yourself with, you will still use less paper than most crumplers do.

Now that you are wiping properly, you see how the true softness you feel is just the smooth texture of the individual sheet of paper, which is why you can forget about the big squishy roll.

In fact, the paper in those big soft rolls can be even harsher than plain paper, because of the embossing process.*

500-sheet, 2-ply ShitBegone lasts as long as a 1000-sheet, 1-ply roll, because it is the same amount of paper. Yet ShitBegone costs less than many 1000-sheet brands, especially other 100% recycled brands, meaning it is a better deal.

Also, since ShitBegone is 2-ply 500 sheet instead of 1-ply 1000 sheet, that means it's twice as thick... which means you spend less time unrolling and folding up the paper, and makes it less likely to break or leak through.

This is because embossing is all about making little bumps or texture on the paper to trap air between the layers. You don't use the air so why would you pay people to emboss it in there and then haul it around? If the embossing isn't done well (and lots of it isn't) then the paper will feel rough. If you want to really feel how soft a toilet paper is going to feel against your skin, then instead of squeezing the roll you should do this. Unroll a couple sheets of each one and put them down flat on a hard surface. Now stroke them lightly with the tips of your fingertips.

If you do this for your friends, you will look really professional and like a true toilet paper connoisseur. If you do the stroke-test on the back side (the side facing the inside of the roll) of a heavily embossed roll you will feel the problem known in the industry as "back side scratchiness." This is where the back side of the paper gets even scratchier than the front side from the embossing. Only the best patterns and companies are able to overcome it and they all spend a lot of money trying. Buy why bother since it's totally unnecessary anyway!

Annie E. Kalt <akalt@stanford.edu> Fri, May 12, 2006 at 4:19 PM To: Bradley Heinz <bbheinz@stanford.edu> A little theory of mine, pondered over the years... I feel there MAY well be a gender pattern in the tendency of tissue volume and poopie cloggage...

but think of the logic behind it! When we are not considering poopiness, if us females use the fold-two-squares approach, we come up with a very soggy hand and little accomplished re wipage.

not that this does not preclude the development of careful conserving behavior when dealing with poopies! and maybe we just need to get used to soggy hands.

but there is a matter of habit... we deal with sogginess more than poopiness.

not terribly relevent, and in no way to detract from calls to conservation. i say, conserve! conserve! let it be a call to break habit and be mroe conscious (thank you bradley :).

just a little speculation about causal links in this pattern.

so that's my theory on the gendered pattern of tissue use.

 back to work... ah procrastination.

love ANnie